The Refreshing Diversion of Mirth
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Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?
All they said was “Bach, Bach, Bach…”
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Walks into a bar jokes:
a) A horse walks into a bar…. The bartender looks up and says… “Why the long face?”
b) C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar. The bartender shows them the door and says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”
c) A conservative, a moderate, and a liberal walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says… “Oh, hello Mit”.
d) An illegal alien, a muslim, a Christian, a black man, a white man, a Marxist and a democrat, walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “Oh hello Mr. Obama.”
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What chord will a piano play if you drop it down a mine shaft?
A flat Minor
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A Republican, a Democrat, and a Statistician go hunting. A trophy buck jumps right out in front of them. The Democrat shoots first, but alas, he’s 10 feet to the left. The Republican shoots next, but alas, he’s ten feet to the right. The statistician starts jumping up and down yelling, “We got him! We got him! We got him!”
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A mathematician returns home at 3 am from the bar to find his wife at the door chiding him, saying, “You said you’d be here at 11:45 and it’s 3 am!!! He replies…. No, no… you misunderstood. I said a quarter of 12!
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A Politician dies and finds himself standing before a frightening Angel. The angel says… Well, lets see… says here you’re a Politician, correct? Yes, he fearfully replied. Well, said the angel, we have the same policy with all Politicians that show up here, and it works like this. You will spend 2 weeks in hell, then 2 weeks in heaven, but you will then get to decide which you wish to live in for eternity. The politician much encouraged was first put in hell, and much to his surprise, he liked it quite well. It wasn’t great, but not too bad, and he knew everyone there. He then spent 2 weeks in heaven, and it was very fine in every respect except that he felt rather isolated, and didn’t know anyone. At last the day came to decide, and he said to the angel, well…. I feel funny saying it, but I guess I want to choose to spend eternity in…well… lets just say the first place. Ok, says the angel, and escorting him to the door, he flings it open and starts to usher him in, when the politician sees that it’s actually a burning inferno full of screaming multitudes. He starts screaming to the angel, HEY! THIS IS NOTHING LIKE WHAT YOU PROMISED! THIS IS NOT RIGHT!!! Then angel blandly replied…. “That was campaign season”.
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A Lawyer is parking his car downtown when a huge truck drives by him right as he opens his door, and tears his left arm off. The lawyer starts screaming at the truck driver for his recklessness, when a bystander chides with him saying… “You lawyers are all the same! All you care about is MONEY! You’re all worried about your CAR and don’t even realize that you’ve lost your left ARM! The lawyer cries aloud…. “OH NO!!! MY ROLEX!!!
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Why do they bury lawyers 10 feet deep instead of the customary 6 feet?
Because deep down…. They not so bad.
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You’re an American when you go into the restroom, and you’re an American when you come out of the restroom….. but what are you when you’re in the restroom??? Ans: European
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What does a Pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey!
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Where does a pirate go for a prosthetic hook when he loses his hand in battle?
A second hand store.
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Four friends are traveling across Europe; an Englishman, A Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German. In a large city, they stop to see a street performer, but are having a hard time getting a clear view for the crowd. The performer, noticing it, hops up on a box and says, there…. Can you all see me now? They reply, Yes, Qui, Si, Ya.
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When is a door not a door? When it’s a jar.
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Why did the bike fall over? Because it was two tired.
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Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four it would be a chicken sedan.
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An Amishman takes his family to go into the big city and they’re all in awe of the huge buildings and greatness of the place. They see a skyscraper and walk into the lobby. The fathers sees these two doors open all of their own accord, and in walks this aged woman. The numbers above the door get higher and higher, and then smaller and smaller, and the two doors again mysteriously opened, and out stepped a beautiful shapely young woman. The Amishman says to his son next to him…. Son! Go get your mother!
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What did the green grape say to the red grape? BREATHE! BREATHE YOU IDIOT!!!!
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A guy is looking in local ads for a new dog and finds an ad advertising a talking dog. He calls them just for fun, but to his surprise the guy on the other end says it’s no joke. So he goes to see the dog, and to his shock and amazement, the dog talks! So he asks him… so… where are you from and what have you don’t with your life? The dog replies, Well, I’m from Switzerland, and first worked in the alps as a rescue animal for lost hikers, and then came to the states to do military work, and then again bomb sniffing for the military. The man looks at the owner and says… WHY on EARTH would you ever SELL a dog like that? The owner replies…. He’s a TOTAL LIAR… he’s never done ANY of that stuff!
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Two muffins are put in the oven. One says to the other… wow, it’s REALLY getting hot in here! The other one looks over and says, AHHHHHHH!!!!!! A TALKING MUFFIN
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Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. (In this treatise, with typical philosopher’s delusion, he proposed that “nothing is something”.)
He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”
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A woman pregnant with twins gets in a bad wreck, and is in a coma during delivery, giving birth to a boy and a girl. She awakes a couple of weeks later and is told that since they didn’t know what else to do, her brother had to come in and name the children for the birth certificate. She said, “Oh no! My brother is a TOTAL idiot! What did he name them! The nurse informed her that he had named the girl “Denise”. Feeling badly she says…. Well…. That’s wonderful… I love that name! What did he name the boy? Denephew, the nurse replied.
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What do you name a girl born with one leg shorter than the other? Ilene.
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What do you say to a one legged hitch hiker? Hop in.
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Why did the mushroom always get invited to the party? Because he was a fun guy. (Fungi)
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Two parents met at their children’s school’s parent/teacher meeting. What year is your child in? Asked the one. Really? Said the other…. 2023! Do you believe in time travel or something?
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A group of tourists in Germany were travelling to all the significant sites of the life of Beethoven. At the last stop they came to his grave. But while the guide was elaborating upon his last days, a tourist remarked that there was truly bizarre music arising from his grave site! Oh, not to worry, said the guide. He’s just decomposing.
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Why did the chicken cross the road? Ans: Just to boc traffic.
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A patient walks into his doctors office, and asks… “I’m here for my appointment”. The nurse replies, “Which doctor?” He says, No, no no…. the naturapath. (“witch doctor?)
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A man walks into the doctors office and tells the doctor that he’s broken his leg in three places. The doctor replies…. I’d avoid those places.
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Q: What do you call a guy who’s had too much to drink? A: A cab.
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An elderly Irishman walks into a bar in New York and orders three beers. Puzzled, the bartender asks, “Why three beers?” The Irishman replies… “Well, Eem fahr from me hoom, and it’s a wee ah ken remember me two sones, as if we were all three here together tippin a brew”. The Bartender understood, and it become a long tradition for the old man. But one day the old gent walked in and ordered only two beers. Alarmed the bartender couldn’t help but worry that one of his sons had died, but he was afraid to ask. At length he asked the old gent… I’m sorry to pry, but … has anything happened to one of your sons? “Oh no, nothing a’tall… theer all just fine… I just decided I’d give up drinking”.
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T-Shirt jokes:
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Dogs have masters cats have staff
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Instant person, just add coffee
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Friends Forever!
(You know too much)
In ancient Egypt cats were worshipped as gods.
Cats have never forgotten this.
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A guy giving helicopter tours over the Seattle area loses all his navigation equipment and completely loses orientation. He hovers near a large building and holds up a sign that says, “Where am I?”. Those in the building hold up a sign that says, “In a helicopter”. He nods, discerns exactly where he is, regains his bearings and flies straight to the SeaTac Airport. His passengers were all stunned and asked him how he knew where he was, from that perfectly ridiculous response. He said…. Well…. I figured that had to be the Microsoft building because they gave me a help cue that was technically accurate, but perfectly useless.
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Did you hear about the explosion in the French cheese factory? De Bris everywhere.
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Q. Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? A. Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.
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A man was shopping in a SanFrancisco antique store near the warf, and was paying for a brass rat at the check out. The worker there began to warn him, saying, “You’re really going to want to know the story behind that rat!”. The man, being in a hurry, dismissed the warning, and insisted on just paying and leaving, the worker watching him walk out with a grave aspect. Walking down the side walk, the man hears something behind him, and notices a couple of rats following him. Weird, he thought. As he proceeded her looked back to check on them, and instead of two, there were about a hundred. He begins to panic somewhat and picks up his pace, but soon he has a thousand, and then ten thousand rats chasing him, and he runs will all lhis fading strength down to the warf, and knowing not what else to do, being exhausted, he throws the brass rat into the water, whence tens of thousands of rats plunge into the bay and are drowned. He thinks for a minute, and returns to the shop. The man laughs and says, I tried to tell you now didn’t I! You want the story now? No, no, said the man…. I’m wondering if you might have any brass lawyers.
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Why do they bury lawyers 6 ft. deep instead of 10 ft. deep? Because…. Deep down…. They’re not so bad!
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A young man in high school had injured his eye when very young and had a wooden eye as a result, and was mercilessly tormented by his classmates who always called him “Wood eye”. This torment he was forced to endure through grade school and all four years of high school. Through this time he had never gotten to dance with any of the young women, and at the last dance of his senior year he saw with delight a young woman across the room, with whom no one was dancing. Taking a closer look, he noticed she had a hair lip, and he thought to himself that perhaps she would dance with him despite his impediment. So he awkwardly approaches her, and stuttering and stammering, finally just asks her if she would like to dance. She replied with great excitement, Oh would I, would I !!! He replied agrily…. Hair lip! Hair Lip!
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An aged couple were sitting in their living room, when the wife asks her husband if he might be willing to get her some ice cream. He agrees and gets up to go get it, but his wife remembers that he has dementia, and begins to insist that he write it down. He objects, “Look! From here to the kitchen I can remember that you want ice cream!” She again warns him to write it down, but to no avail. After a long period of time and lots of noise in the kitchen, she begins to worry, when he enters with a full chicken dinner. “Oh!” She cried! “I TOLD YOU to WRITE IT DOWN”… where’s my potato salad!!!
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Why do anteaters never get sick? Because they’re full of anty bodies!
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What does a horse say when it falls down? Help! I’ve fallen down and can’t giddy-up!
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What is the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.
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When you have a group of crows, its called a “Murder” of crows, just like you would have a “flock” of sheep or “herd” of cows. But you can’t tell if there are enough crows to constitute a murder, unless you have probable caws.
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My cross-eyed girlfriend and I just broke up. We couldn’t see eye to eye, and besides, she was seeing someone on the side.
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What does a house wear? Address.
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Why do you never find Elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it!
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I accidentally swallowed some food coloring yesterday. The doctor said I’d be fine, but somehow I just feel like some small part of me dyed inside.
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What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
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When does a pun become mature? When it’s full groan.
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When does a joke become mature? When it becomes apparent.
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How do you drown a hipster?
In the mainstream.
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How did the hipster burn his mouth? He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
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What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk
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What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
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What do you call a Cow with only two legs: lean beef
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What do you call a cow with no legs; ground beef
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Did you know the guy who invented the “knock knock joke” won a no bell prize?
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What kind of animal can jump higher than a house?
All of them. Houses can’t jump very high.
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Did you hear there was a kidnapping at grade school?
Turns out everything was ok. He woke up.
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Why are you not allowed to run in a camp ground? Because you can only “ran” when it’s past tents.
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What do you call a chicken that got some lettuce in his eye?
Chicken sees a salad
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Sherlock Holmes is investigating a crime with Watson when he sees a human nose laying on the sidewalk before them. Watson, shocked, asks, Holmes! What could it mean? Sherlock replies, elementary my dear Watson, no body nose.
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This weekend I washed the car with my grandson.
He asked…. grandpa! Why can’t you just use a sponge?
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No ideer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no ideer.
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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender recognizes him and says…. hey! The horse says….. sure!
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A sports reporter sees a man with a very long pole at the olympics and asks. .. are you a pole vaulter? He replies… no, I’m German, but how did you know my name vas Valter?
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I only have a step ladder.
I never met my real ladder.
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Where do you take your cat if it gets its tale cut off? You need it take it to Walmart. Its the worlds biggest retailer.
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What’s the difference between a music career and a pizza?
A pizza will feed a family of four.
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A well dressed elderly woman approaches a somewhat run down house and knocks on the door. A rather unkempt boy answers and blurts out… What dya want! Taken aback the woman composes herself and asks, Excuse me young man but would your mother be here? The boy blurts out even more rudly, “She ain’t here!” The lady has now had about enough and reproves the young chap, saying, “Sonny! Where is your GRAMMAR!!! He replies, “She ain’t here either!”.
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Guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, Give me a beer jack ass! The bartender quietly gives him a beer and he drinks it down, and says again, Give me a beer jack ass! And again the bartender quietly gives him a beer and he drinks it down and leaves. A guy sitting at the bar says, Why do you let that jerk talk to you like that? The bartender replies….. oh Eeohn eeohn eeohways talks to me like that.
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Rosie O’Donnell is outside walking her dog on a leash and runs across Donald Trump. Trump looks at the dog and says, “Thats the ugliest pig I’ve ever seen!” O’Donnell begins to mock him and says, “Thats a DOG you idiot! Don’t you know the difference between a dog and a pig?” Trump replies….. “I was talking to the dog.”
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What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?
They are both Paris sites/Parasities.
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There’s 30 cows in a field and 28 chickens. How many didn’t? (20 ate)
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A New York attorney calls his wealthy art collector client and says, I have some good news and some bad news for you, which do you want. The art collector says he’s had an awful day and would like the good news first. The attorney says, I got a call from your wife that she just invested in several pictures for $5,000 that she thinks will make 20 million, and I think she’s probably right. He was delighted but then asked for the bad news. The attorney replies…. the pictures are of you and your secretary.
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What did socialists use before candles? Electricity.
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When you see a bad movie: “I watched that movie on a flight and people still walked out!
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Patron to Waitress: How do you prepare your chicken?
Waitress: We just tell them straight out they’re going to die.
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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license. First, of course, he had to take the eye sight test. The agent showed him a card with the letters: CSWIXNOSTACZ, and says, Can you read this back to me please. “Read it!”, says the Pole….. “I know that guy!”.
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Little known scientific research failure: Pavlov’s Cat.
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Josh Hawley asks AOC what her opinion of Roe v. Wade is. She replies: “It’s the only two ways immigrants can get to America!”
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Eliz. Warren comes to Trump tower to eat. Trump tells her she’ll have to leave. WHY! She demands! He replies, “Because you don’t have a reservation!”
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Women’s Magazine: Page 14: You’re beautiful the way you are! Page 15: How to lose weight fast! Page 16: Cake recipe.
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Sarg screaming at Private: Smith! I DIDN”T SEE YOU AT CAMOUFLAGE PRACTICE TODAY!!!!!! Private Smith: Thank you sir.
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If you think you are smarter than the previous generation…. 50 years ago the owner’s manual of a car showed you how to adjust the valves. Today it warns you not to drink the contents of the battery.
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Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton made a joint visit to a bakery while campaigning. While in the bakery Hillary sneaks three pastries into her pocked and whispers to Trump…. “See how clever I am? The owner didn’t see anything I and didn’t need to lie. That’s why I’m going to win the election.” Trump replies, “That’s so typical of you: Trickery, deceit and theft! Now I’m going to show you how to get the same results honestly. So Trump says to the bakery owner…. “Give me three pastries and I’ll show you a magic trick”. The baker gives Trump three pastries, who then eats one after the other. The baker is wondering what the magic trick is and asks Trump… “SO??? Where did they go? What’s the trick? Trump says…. Look in Hillary’s pocket.”
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My therapist told me to write letters to the people that you hate and then to burn them. I did that, but now I don’t know what to do with the letters.
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Confucius say…. Give man a plane ticket, and he will fly for a day. Push him out of plane, and he fly rest of his life!
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Suicide Hotline phone rings: “Suicide hotline, may I help you?” Hillary: Yes, I’d like to place an order.
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A elderly man is walking on the beach and sees an old oriental lamp, and brushing the sand off of it to take a better look, a genie comes whirling out of the spout, and says, “You may have two wishes.” The man is shocked, but, he’s fairly aged and well off, and not in need of much. But after thinking for a moment he replies, “You know, I don’t need much, and am getting on in years, but there is one thing that I’ve have always wanted badly. I’ve had this longing to see Hawaii…. its just so very beautiful. But I am terrified of flying, and have never been able to overcome it. My wish is that you would build me a bridge from San Diego to Hawaii, so that I could drive there and see it before I die. The Genie is mortified by this request and says, So, Look… I’m a Genie and everything, but that’s ridiculous. You can’t possibly expect that this could be done, not even by me. I mean, the concrete, the steel, the depths, the labor, the time… I’m sorry. You’re just going to have to ask for some other wish. The old gent thinks for a minute and say, Well, ok. The only other thing I can think of at the moment is… well, all my life I feel like I’ve not understood women well at all. If I could just be given to understand the women in my life. My sisters, my daughters, my neighbors, etc. The Genie pauses and sighs. He then asks… Would you like that a two lane, or a four lane?
